Monday, November 3, 2008

And I Dreamed Last Night I Had a Black Eye

When three of my last four blog posts are labeled "I'm breaking down", might that be a clue of some sort? Yes?...

It's amazing how therapeutic a good (self-inflicted) smack between the eyes can be. I've been crabby, snappish, tired, anxious and tense for weeks now, but haven't really been consciously admitting to it (much) or examining it.

At dinner after a very busy Saturday this weekend when the kids decided they'd like to go to a haunted house that evening, I just didn't have the ooomph. It is VERY difficult for me to release myself from what I feel are family obligations, though, so I gave Michael the squinchy-face which is code for "Do I have to?" and said that I was really hoping to have time to exercise that evening. Michael read between the lines and gave me the permission that I have trouble bestowing on myself, bless him.

As the kids were thumping around filling the dishwasher and finding shoes and generally filling every cranny of psychic space around me, I sat on the sun room couch and tried to just breathe until they'd all left. Michael saw me in this uncharacteristically static state, and asked "Are you okay?" I didn't think or hesitate or breathe before answering "No, I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for weeks."


Everyone finally piled out of the house and I sat alone with Theo and had a most excellent cry. And then did, indeed, get my exercise.

This is real life, of course, so it would be a lie to say that now everything is fairies and rainbows and unicorns. I did feel a bit better yesterday, though, and not only managed to get the vegetable patch tucked in for winter, I also dragged out and set up my cold frame over the Swiss chard. My mojo is still seriously compromised, but it's less scary now than it was.

And there's this to look forward to. My, that's a pretty big gun.


AnnL said...

Oh, {{{{Ruth}}}}. I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. But, you are an amazing, strong woman and you will get through it with grace and courage.

Domestic Goddess said...

Ahhhh...a good, cathartic cry. This is what keeps me going, see. If I meltdown once in a while I find it so much easier to just climb back on and keep going.

Anonymous said...

You've been pushing yourself for a long time and no end is in sight. You've accomplished many wonderful things, but you need some time to be good to yourself. Be gentle with yourself, and other things will be easier. Really. :)