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Monday, November 12, 2012

Letting the Days Go By

This returning-to-normal-life stuff is weird.  My physical recovery seems virtually complete; with the exception of some lingering physical weakness, I feel... good.  Like myself.  I no longer fade out by 8pm and can actually do fun things like bake for a few hours at a time and rake leaves for a while without feeling like I want to die.  So that's good.

And there's so damn much going on.  Like, both my kids are high school now.  And Garrick has jumped in with both feet, joining clubs and getting involved with the theatre program, and auditioning for the select chorus.  Quin is adding activities, too, albeit at a slower pace.  The point is, it almost feels like traditional teenager stuff around here, with people needing rides to and fro and deadlines and activities and schedules to keep track of.  It's impossible to ignore, so it's all getting done, somehow.  Being busy keeps the engine moving. 

Re-engagement is strange and I don't know how successful I'm being at it.  It's akin to having taken an 18-month nap (starting with the death of my father), then woken up and no longer recognizing the universe.  Re-engaging with everyone's busy schedules is relatively easy.  Re-engaging with my inner landscape is proving way more difficult.  All the things that were put on hold -- grieving for my father, reacting to the abrupt upheaval last year of my professional life, other conflicts and traumas -- are now clamoring for attention that I don't know how to give.

So the days go by, and I tell myself I really should be writing more, doing more, seeing friends more, but I don't.  It seems time for some reckoning, and instead of digging in, I'm bouncing from deadline to deadline, from obligation to obligation. 

Same as it ever was.


 

5 comments:

Pat Sheinman said...

Hi Ruth - I checked in to see what you've been up to, and I guess it was perfect timing! Sorry we've been remiss and haven't been in touch. Sounds like things are getting back to "normal," and so glad to hear your boundless energy has returned :-) Hopefully we'll see you over the holidays! xoxo

MemeGRL said...

There is water at the bottom of the ocean.
It will all still be there when you are ready for it.
Thanks for the update!

Emily said...

I know this feeling although somewhat from a different place. Often I get so caught up in the deadlines and the work travel that I often feel like a tourist in my family's lives. I wonder what I am doing there and how I can better engage, all the while fighting back wave after wave of work and other obligations. Don't forget to breathe and start small -- jump into one thing -- have a single meaningful conversation. Take a kid to lunch. Help with homework. You dont have to boil the ocean -- just pick a spot. I'm glad you are at the point health wise that these things are starting to matter to you -- that means they are so much better than they were. xxoo

cran said...

I am nine weeks out from my transplant and am still having problems with nausea (meds) and energy level. I have been impatient to get back to at least where I was before the surgery. Good to know there's light at the end of the tunnel. The doctors and my husband keep telling me it gets better but it's always good to hear it from someone who has been there.

Lora said...

we're here when you're ready. And thinking of you every single day. Love to you, lady. Stay well.