How to Kill Your Metabolism in Five Easy Steps

1. Take night classes for a year and study during your all of your lunch hours, meaning that
2. you never get to the gym any more, so you cancel your membership, while
3. you eat lots of lousy salads from Au Bon Pain for dinner during your year of night classes, and
4. don't resist the bags of chips placed conveniently near the cash register.
5. Then turn 40.

(For the record, two weeks before Thanksgiving is a crappy time to learn you've gained 10 pounds over the last year. Damn.)