Thoughts on Leaving El Paso

• It is very hard to get a vegeterian meal in El Paso.
• It is equally difficult to get a meal without cheese.
• Four days of eating cheese ties my intestines into double-sailor-hitch knots.
• If you wear your perkiest bra, the car rental agent at the airport will give you a free upgrade from Intermediate Size Car to Small SUV.
• A Small SUV is hard to drive when you're used to driving nothing bigger than a Mazda Protege.
• The gas pumps are swanky in El Paso -- in between ads to visit the attached mini-mart, they play rock and roll, which is a fun distraction while filling the tank.
• In a strip-mall smack-down between El Paso and southern New Jersey, El Paso wins. By a lot.
• For all of the shopping centers and strip malls clogging the landscape, you will only spy one grocery store. For the whole city.
• Getting into Mexico from El Paso is easy.
• Getting into El Paso from Mexico is harder and takes more time.
• When you're at the airport waiting on line to check in for your return flight, there is a better-than-even chance that a swarm of camouflage-wearing soldiers from Fort Bliss will arrive with lots of duffle bags.
• Lots of soldiers from Fort Bliss in a confined area creates a palpable cloud of testosterone that hovers near the ceiling without dispersing.
• If you like muscular men in uniform (and who doesn't), lots of soldiers from Fort Bliss in a confined area just might give you the vapors.
• No matter how hard you work while you are in El Paso, your payroll company will manage to raise your blood pressure to a zillion kagillion before you leave for Puerto Vallarta.