Friday, August 21, 2009

The Universe Is Not Subtle

Good thing we're heading to the beach tomorrow. Yesterday the universe gave me a pretty clear sign that I need a vacation.

What happened was, I nearly clocked an idiot who was sitting in her broken-down car, blocking an intersection. I nearly clocked her after she brayed "Go around!" while flailing her arm out the driver's side window, oblivious to the fact that a car was at that moment turning onto the street we were on (from the quite busy road I was trying to get to), and that if I had gone around, I'd have found myself in a head-on collision.

I nearly clocked her for not acknowledging that her huge 1970s-era Pontiac was blocking all visibility along with most of the intersection, and that anyone attempting to go around her would have a very good chance of being squashed like a bug. I nearly clocked her after she suggested by her attitude that it was my own damn fault I needed to get through the intersection she was blocking through no fault of her own and "what the hell did I expect her to do about it?" (Her actual words.)

I nearly clocked her when she continued to curse at me after I pointed out that I had kids in my car. (There were F-bombs, people.) I did a three-point turn in the middle of the road, and THEN decided to Rise Above by getting out of my car and offering to help her move her boat off to the side of the road, thereby making the intersection safer.

And then I came very close to Absolutely Losing My Shit when my very generous offer of help was not only spurned, but it was spurned with venom and four-letter-words and vitriol and finally with the emphatic rolling up of her window so that GOD FORBID she should hear me say that sitting with her car in the middle of the intersection could be DANGEROUS.

I came very close to kicking the ever-loving shit out of her rear bumper.

Instead, I got back in my car, slammed the door, and headed back the way I came. Took a few deep breaths. Then I pulled out my cell phone and called 911 to report a dangerous situation.

I hope to heaven she mouthed off to the cops when they got there.

This morning there was an oil slick on the road where this troglodyte had been beached. I smiled as I drove on, imagining that it was blood.

(See you on the other side of five days of sun and sand. And maybe wine. And trashy novels from the library. And no baking or idiot drivers.)


Hubby said...

Have fun at the beach!

ccr in MA said...

"I smiled as I drove on, imagining that it was blood."

And this is why I read here.

Have a beachy good time!

Anonymous said...

Have a relaxing time, and stay out of traffic.



Domestic Goddess said...

You offered to help...and she CURSED AT YOU?????

Goodness. Some people just suck.

Magpie said...

Oh dear.

Have a wonderful vacation.

Christine said...

Ha ha!

At the imagining it was blood part, not the event in general.

Have a good and RELAXING time on vacation. You deserve it.

Sue said...

see - I bet I would have clocked her - with my blazer.

Hope you are having fun at the beach, and that Bill is not causing too much havoc. :-)

insomniac ellen said...

there is an evil side to you I was not aware of....LOL

enjoy your vaca.

Heidi Mordhorst said...

You tell a good story, girl, but my favorite part is the title. This may be the reason that I find it generally pointless to be subtle myself.

Adorable Girlfriend said...


Let's hope the sun does everyone some good.