Recent weight gain aside, my body is sulky. It is acting like a spoiled teenager. It is metaphorically slouching around the house in ripped jeans that hang around the hips, exposing three inches of boxer shorts, and refusing to hang up its jacket. When I make simple requests of it, it either curls its lip and says "You're not the boss of me" or heaves great sighs of martyrdom while stomping upstairs to its room, where it slams the door and cranks some U-2 all the way up to eleven.
Tortured metaphors notwithstanding, it sucks.
My body and I got off to a pretty shaky start together, what with the fashion magazine brainwashing and the neighborhood pedophile and the eating disorders and all. But in my late 20s, our relationship blossomed. I took care of it and it took care of me. I ate well and healthfully. I stretched and exercised with something like regularity. My old back injury (from a dance class in 1984) bothered me rarely and I popped out 2 kids without much ill effect. Hell, I could even do cartwheels and a split as recently as 3-4 years ago. I felt good most of the time, and when I didn't feel good, it didn't take much to put things right again.
What a difference 18 months make. In the past few years, my back injury has gone from dormant to exceedingly active, my PKD has gone from symptom-free to symptom-full, and I suddenly feel very old. I do not have the strength (due to back pain) or energy (due to impaired kidney function) to indulge in the things I love to do without consequences that turn me into a raving beeyotch on wheels, which is really quite unfair to my husband and children, who have to put up with me.
And yes, I am indulging in a bit of a pity party. (Where better to indulge in a bit of self-indulgence than on one's indulgent-by-definition blog?) My back hurts all the time and it sucks. Due to the enlargement of my kidneys and liver, when I eat more than about 1 cup of food by volume at one sitting, it hurts for hours afterward and that sucks. (Yes, Thanksgiving was QUITE A JOY in that regard, thankyouverymuch.) I am getting less than optimal sleep (ref. "back pain") which exacerbates the fatigue inherent in being down to 40% kidney function. I am exhausted all of the time and it sucks. It is the holiday season, which I love and look forward to all year, and I don't know if I'm going to have the strength to do the entertaining and baking and gifting and celebrating that I want want WANT to do and it sucks great big hairy donkey balls.
But you should know, dear internets, that I am not taking this crap lying down. The PKD is the PKD, and there's not much I can do about it besides stick to my low-protein diet. I am
Send limes and soothing yoga music.
*Double extra-credit to anyone who can name the show this song comes from without resorting to Google.